"Heed me, young Padawan, for the Known Truth shall be yours. Go forth and bring light to the darkness; water to the thirsty, knowledge to the ignorant; and, while you're at it, please could you pick up my dry cleaning."
Such heady words, my soul was all a flutter. The Known Truth was to be mine. And for a small price to pay of picking up this immortal creature's dry cleaning. A bargain to be sure!
"The Known Truth, known by all and denied by none, is that Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition is the end all and be all in role-playing games. No other game is worthy of the name game.2 Destroy the foul damnations that attempt to usurp the mantle of the one. Go forth, and spread my message of love and fraternity. And um... I'll be at the Sheratan in Time Square, just ask for umm... Chris, yeah um... that's my pseudonym - can't have my real identity revealed. It would be complete chaos - humanity is not yet ready for that level of Known Truth. Now! Go forth - for my word is love and all that do not accept it are infidels and must be burned at the stake!"
So, tasked with this enormous burden - yet profoundly honored as the bearer of this enlightened message, I immediately ran to the dry cleaners and brought he who shall be called... Chris... his3 dry cleaning. I then immediately ran back to my apartment to begin my calling - and show gamers everywhere, the error of their ways. For if there is one thing we all know, it is that gamers love being told they are wrong.
So, my future posts, you may take as a sort of scripture. Heed my words, and eternal paradise is assured. Ignore my steadfast teachings - and the hellfire of diceless gaming shall be your eternal punishment. May your D20 always roll a critical (and may you never roll another type of die for a to hit roll... or a skill check... or saving throw, etc.)
Otto von Quarzis, the Prophet4
* And I, Otto's conscience, which by a strange happenstance was ripped from Otto's body in a freak Oculus Rift mishap and now resides on the internet (fortunately, I can download myself to Otto's phone so I can keep tabs on him). I will try and annotate the dribbling being poured upon the screen.
1 It was more of a small campfire setup in a barrel in a back alley. But, to be fair, Otto was very drunk and it was near a bush, so... same thing.
2 By a funny coincidence, the name game, is more of a test than a game.
3 Why can't Chris be a her? Typical male privilege.
4 The term is used loosely in this context.
T Because, of course. **FacePalm**